A way to soften blunt questions

Not everyone appreciates a direct approach to speaking, not everyone is a Laconic speaking warrior of Spartanesque era where time is of the essence in communication.

Some people, arguably many, prefer a subtler approach.

Questions by their nature are an aggressive inquiry into someone’s mind.

By asking a question, you are essentially poking into a person to have them reflect and think of an answer if they are to respond seriously to your inquiry.

Fun little tip, you can see the facial physiology of a person and track their eyes to see how they sort of dart to and from directions. This is also known as a ‘transdirevational search’ (In Neuro Linguistics Programming) which is a fancy way of saying that a person is looking within themselves for an answer.

Instead of

Asking aggressive direct blunt questions, you can ask permissions or request questions. For instance;

Instead of:

“what are you doing?!”

Try:

“I’m curious to know what you’re trying to do. Would you mind sharing?”

The first question focuses on the subject or person with a direct “you”. It can sound as if it’s demanding, demeaning, and from an authoritative source which questions the relationship you have with a person.

The second focuses on the questioner by stating the state of the person asking the question. “I’m curious”. Followed by the real question disguised in the statement, and that segues into a question that is more of an invitation asking for the person to share.

This is sort of a ‘soft landing’ that allows people to open up in a safe way to also potentially satisfy your curiosity. The statement of curiosity is an open invitation as to what your internal thoughts are, which allows it to feel like you’re sharing with someone, and you’re opening them up to share with you as well.

Some other examples;

“What Time do you want to meet up?” vs. “I’d love to meet up, I’m not sure of the time, can you fill me in on what works best with you?”

“Where do you want to eat?” vs. “I’m trying to get some really good food, what’s your top notch recommendation for someone as if they’re out of town visiting?”

“Do you have the report ready?” vs. “Hey, reaching out, I’m trying to future plan for things ahead and want to know when I can expect the report to be ready?”

Obviously

This can seem manipulative depending on your aim. I’m not here to espouse morals or whatnot, I’m more or less commenting on various methods to communicate and ask questions in a more collaborative manner.

Words are a tool, and your use of the tool can be used for great evil or great good. The use case, the intent, and the results are up to you and the person you’re talking with.

Additionally, whether or not you should use many words or not will depend on case use. For instance, if the person you’re talking to is texting, and they prefer short texts, then mirroring and matching their brevity would do better than drawing out the conversation. Of course, this is up to judgement. So use your words at your discretion.

Simply put;

People are more willing to share with you information when you share with them some information.

It feels more like a reciprocal trade and it can disarm someone’s aggression when they follow into your story and motives.

As a side note

If you’re always asking questions, you might not be sharing enough for someone who’s on the defensive or perhaps that person isn’t open to sharing as much.

Asking too many questions can feel like an interrogation (Like Third Degreeing) and have someone lost within themselves or have them peeved and upset that you’re digging too deep. It all depends on your relationship with the person, and that is a matter of their temperament, respect, and other factors.

So gauge your audience and determine if they’re more of a listener or a speaker. If they listen more, than share more. If they like speaking, then allow them to speak the gift of gab and listen in onto the context.

Epilogue;

Sometimes many words are too much and can downplay things, especially if the person you’re talking to doesn’t want to talk or isn’t interested in many words.

Use words as a discretion and play with the dynamics of language, from being direct to being more blunt to being more curving and weaving a story.

In other languages, people tell stories that relate to the subject but don’t answer the direct question directly. Being too direct in some cultures is viewed as rude. Being too elusive seems like a dishonest Politician.

Depending on your goal of communicating, I hope the above serve as useful notes for communicating. And I hope you work towards a win-win situation for both listener and speaker.

This method is often called ‘softball questions’ or ‘soft questions’ and can mean that the questions are easy or that they are asked in a flowing manner inviting others to answer. The opposite is an interrogation or Third Degreeing.

Afterall is said and done; the truth of the nuance is still true, and that is;

Words Mean Things